You may have noticed that in the Houston Packing post I mentioned we brought formula (more to come on that trip later once the pictures are done). Your eyes weren't tricking you. I am supplementing nursing with formula; specifically Similac Supplementing Formula. Our Grand Canyon trip was rough on the feeding front. Jack seemed to fuss for food more often than usual and my boobs felt squishy and empty. The next few days our daycare lady mentioned he was sucking down bottles faster than usual and he had less dirty diapers. Every terrible memory from his first few days home came flooding back. That weekend I bought some formula.
Having a dehydrated baby...again, is stressful.
I felt like we had come so far. I was pumping more than usual, still not enough for day care (he is up to 18-21 oz a day there) but enough to prolong the obvious inevitable. I told myself that I would nurse him then top him off with formula like I had done what seemed like so long ago. That first time I made up his bottle I looked to Max for support, to lift me up when I felt like I had failed. And he did without skipping a beat. He looked at me, smiled, then looked at Jack and said "Mommy's going to feed you! It's going to be so good!" I almost lost it. He was right I was going to feed him. Maybe not from my body but I was feeding him. I still got to hold my son and look into those beautiful baby blue eyes.
Having an amazing husband made it a little less stressful.
Because my supply is dwindling our pediatrician said to start solids which would give my boobs time to fill up before he needed them. And I have to say I was very excited to start this new stage in Jack's life. I couldn't wait to see him in his highchair trying new foods. We went with oat cereal instead of rice cereal because they say rice can back kids up and since Jack was just getting over that I thought we should skip that hassle all together. The first time I made it runny and with some pumped breast milk. Even though it was only a few oz it hurt a little not to freeze and stash it but it obviously wasn't going to waste. While he didn't finish the whole serving we made for him he did better than I ever thought he would. He was hungry, I did everything to try not to blame myself for how hungry he was but a little piece of me will always believe it. Logically I know this is the natural progression, he's getting older, he needs real food; but since this has been such a struggle for us I will always blame myself a tiny bit.
Blaming yourself for non-existent problems is stressful.
Ever since I started supplementing with the formula I have felt a little liberated. I don't worry about feeding him in public, stopping what we are doing so I can find a place to sit down. I can make up a bottle and continue on with our day and nurse him once we get home. But I still get looks. I get looks from the other mothers who think I'm a slacker. I feel like I have been kicked out of some VIP group of motherhood, the breastfeeding super mothers. I feel like those mother's turn up their noses at me like the mean girls at school. I feel like they find my support for the public breastfeeding fight disingenuous because I'm holding a bottle. I dread the standard sentence they spout off, "Oh, well I guess at least you made it this long." I find myself justifying and correcting everyone, "I'm just supplementing. I nurse him then top him off with a bottle."
Having other mothers, people who are supposed to be your allies, look down on you is stressful.
But I still pump at work and it's getting harder. It's hard to motivate myself when the line has already been crossed. It's hard when I only pump 4 oz a day. I feel like I have already failed so what's the point. But I guess the point is I want to give my son everything that I can. I want to give him every drop of my milk that I can squeeze out, every oz of formula that he needs, every bite of food he can eat. I want my son to be happy and healthy like every other parent and based off his video of his first bites of cereal, I think so far so good.
I know completely how you feel. You already know you are doing what is best for Jack and yourself, and that is most important. But I also know how hard it is and how we still blame ourselves for various reasons, and the inevitable was there something I could've done. Just enjoy these moments and the precious time with him. You are a great mom! :-) Thank you for sharing and being so open about how you feel during this.
ReplyDelete